By Rowan Atkinson
Gerald: Do you have ever one of those days when everything seems to go wrong? I did, and unfortunately, it was my wedding day. And three men in particular were to brame. It all started with the priest.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife....well done. You may now kiss the bride.....Nice one. All right, please be seated everybody. I'd just like to say a few words before the communion. You know, a lot of prospective brides ask me these days, "Father, what is the church's attitude towards fellatio?" And I tend to reply by telling them a little story about the first time I was asked that question. It was a couple of years ago, a young attractive bride to be came up to me after the service and asked me just that question. "Father, what is the church's attitude towards fellatio?" And I replied, "Well, you know, Joanne, I'd like to tell you, but unfortunately, I don't know what fellatio is!" And so, she showed me. And ever since, whenever anyone has asked me the question "Father, what is the church's attitude towards fellatio?" I always reply, "Well, you know, I'd like to tell you... but unfortunately, I don't know what fellatio is!"
Gerald: Next, came my trusted best man.
Best man: Um, all right, er....right, well...huh-huh, huh-huh, right, erm... ladies and gentlemen, and fellow survivors of that stunning stag party.... how did those two girls get under the table and what the hell were they up to with that toothpaste....? Er... er, right, well, erm... well, er... just before I left the house, huh-huh, erm, this afternoon, huh-huh, I said to myself, you know, the last thing you must do is forget your speech. Er... mmm, well, and sure enough, erm, when, erm, when I left the house... whoops! ha-ha, er... mm m, the last thing I did... ha-ha, yes, you guessed it, well, was to forget my speech. So, erm... so it's all ad lib, I'm afraid. Er... er, er, er, ... right, well, well, well, dear me, well now, now, when should I begin, haha-ha, I'd like to begin now. Huh-huh, er, right, well, well, well, I've known the groom ever since we first went to school together at the age of eight. And you know, he hasn't changed a bit. Erm, well, that's not quite true, of course. He didn't have his beard then, huh-huh, erm, and I'll tell you this, he wouldn't have been able to do whatever he was doing last night with those two extraordinary, extraordinary, erm, ... extraordinary how little people change, isn't it? Huh-huh, yes, erm... er, although, I know I changed a great deal because I used to be an absolute ass, always bleating things out when I shouldn't, for instance, this afternoon. I'm sure I wouldn't have been able to resist mentioning the bizarre sight that greeted my eyes when I opened this man's bedroom door earlier this morning, er... mmm. Yes, but, but, erm, enough of that, huh-huh, he started making gestures at me now, which I think, huh-huh, means he wants me to cut my speech short, erm. So, suffice to say that I'll think he'll make a ripping husband, erm... then, I think his wife, ripping, too. Huh-huh. And I can only hope that, that the dress will hold out, er, huh-huh, erm.... so, I'd like to propose a toast, erm, to go with the pate , huh-huh.... erm, huh-huh, to the groom and to his lovely horse, erm, wife, huh-huh. It's all, it's all starting to come back to me now, huh-huh, erm, And I just to know that their marriage will be as happy and satisfying as I was when I paid off those two prostitutes earlier this morning.....cheers! Huh-huh....
Gerald: And finally, my loving father-in-law provided the perfect end to a perfect day.
Father-in-law: Ladies and gentlemen, and friends of my daughter. There comes a time in every wedding reception when the man who paid the for the damn thing is allowed to speak a word or two of his own. And I should like to take this opportunity, sloshed as I may be, to say a word or two about Martin. As far as I'm concerned, my daughter could not have chosen a more delightful, charming, witty, responsible, wealthy, let's not deny it, well-placed, good-looking and fertile young man than Martin as her husband. And I therefore ask the question "Why the hell did she marry Gerald instead?"... because Gerald is a sort of man we used to describe at school as a complete prick! If I may use a gardening simile here, if his entire family may be likened to a compost heap (and I think they can) then Gerald is the biggest weed growing out of it. I think he's a sort of man people emigrate to avoid. I remember the first time I met Gerald, I said to my wife (she's the lovely woman propping of that old lush of a mother of his) either this man is suffering from serious brain damage or the new vacuum cleaner's just arrived. As for his family, they are quite simply the most intolerable herd of steaming social animals that I have ever had the misfortune of turning my nose up to. I spurn you as I would spurn a rabid dog. I would like to propose a toast to the caterers. And to the pigeons who crapped on the groom's family's limousine at the church. Er....as for the rest of you around this table not directly related to me, you can fuck off. I wouldn't trust any of you to sit the right way on a toilet seat.